I didn't realise trying for a baby was like asking for the moon on a stick. Infertility and all that jazz.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Wordpress move

Just in case anyone missed my last post I wanted to tell you the reason things are quiet round here is because I have moved to wordpress.....


Friday, 1 February 2013

Jumping Ship

via Etsy
The lovely Jenny at Sprout has inspired me. I am jumping ship on blogger and heading over to wordpress. I want to be able to share photos of my life with you but I am only comfortable doing that on private posts. I do so very much hope you will all hop on over and join me. It will mean, I hope, that I can open up a little more than I feel comfortable doing currently. I do apologise for you all having to chase me round and round. I plan on staying in my next spot for good!!! 

My new blog address is: http://themoononastickplease.wordpress.com/ I am afraid it is not quite as pretty as this one, but we can work on that! 

I will put a reminder here the first few times I post on the new blog just in case someone misses this. 

On to the next adventure........

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

call and response

via Etsy

The Dog Star and I were on our daily walk yesterday, around a local wood which borders fields, getting absolutely soaked in the rain when I heard one of my favourite sounds.

That tiny wobbly high pitched bleat followed by a rumbling baritone mumble.

Sirius and I peered over the hedge and there they were. Mummies and babies calling to each other. "Mummy, are you there" "Yes, I am here". Proud ewes and their day or so old lambs. It always surprises me how early they come. I don't expect them until spring.

Sirius wanted to get in there and sniff them and play with them and chase them more than anything in the known world so I steered her away and we carried on with our walk.

I could still hear them in the distance though. Calling and responding.

Love contained in two utterly unique sounds. Sounds that mean nothing at all to one creature and mean all the world to another. Such beautiful and special sounds.

I want to hear my own babies special sound, the one that is just for me. I want to hear my baby call me and I want so badly to respond.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

another update and an odd decision

First of all, you are all gorgeous and beautiful and your words of support and advice mean the world to me. Thank you so much.

Last night I had one of the worst nights sleep I have had in a long while. My heart ached and my soul felt shattered and I just could not settle. Remus is getting up so early at the moment and getting home so late he needs every ounce of sleep and I can't bear to keep him up so I took myself off to the spare bedroom, made a cocoon of the duvet and buried myself in a Harry Potter book. I cried for a while, read for a while and then tossed and turned in half sleep for a while. I woke up, thought it was morning and felt so wretched that I needed to be with Remus. I crawled back into bed with him and sobbed onto his shoulder for a while. It turned out it was only three in the morning and I could not stop crying so after a long cuddle I went back to the spare room and repeated my previous attempts to calm down and sleep. Phew, what a mess. It doesn't help that today I woke up to CD1. The sad got me big time.
via Etsy
Anyhoo, all that said I actually have great news and I am feeling much much better. I was advised from several quarters (thank you ladies) to periodically call and see if there were cancellations we could nab. I called at about three today and I spoke to a very lovely and helpful lady who had a really good look through the system for another appointment. There were none at all and she said that they rarely get cancellations for this type of appointment... HOWEVER... I then told her the reason I was concerned was that my period was due two days after the appointment that we do have. She immediately said, 'but that is perfect'! If I wasn't on the phone I would have kissed her. She assures me that the fact I am only a couple of days from CD1 will not mean that we cant use the cycle, she is certain that the bloods and other tests that need to be done will be sorted in time to use this cycle for treatment. I am so so happy. It looks like we will get a shot at this in late February/early March.

I am realistic, I know this treatment may not, in fact statistically it probably wont, work. I am and will be well prepared for that eventuality and I intend to chant my usual hope for the best prepare for the worst mantra. But..... but..... I will be doing something. Remus and I will have a chance to make a baby again, a chance that it might work, that we might get pregnant. I just want to know we are in with a shot, because so far the last few months have not felt like that at all. I have totally given up on the idea of a baby made in our marital bed and that is ok, I have mourned that and let it go. I don't care how many people are in the room staring up my foof as I am eventually impregnated, I just don't care any more, bring on the legs akimbo utterly unsexy baby making. Lets just at least try to make a baby. 
via Etsy
In other news, I made an odd decision. 

I have a gazillion cousins, most of whom are girls and all of whom I see at least once every year. We are quite close as cousins go and even though we are spreading out around the country we put lots of effort into staying in touch and catching up. This year we have not one but two weddings and the hen-do's that go along with them. Two new dresses and four occasions to have a laugh with my home girls, hooray!

The first hen-do (that is a like bachelorette party btw) is in a couple of months and it is for my cousin who is a vet in training. She loves all things animal and we are spending the day at a wildlife park and have all been asked to choose a different animal to come as. Without even thinking about it I baggsied Kangaroo for my animal. I have always loved them, although I would not have said they were my favourite animal.  It just popped out. "I want to come as a Kangaroo" I heard my mouth say. Then I thought, that will be an easy costume, ears, tail, apron with a pocket and a stuffed toy, sorted. Plus I am a bouncy kinda girl, I will enjoy that.

Then a day later the penny suddenly dropped. I had picked am animal that would mean I was carrying around a baby in a pouch all day. I had chosen an animal that could not have screamed wants to be a mother or desperate to be pregnant harder if I had tried. My initial reaction was ack, I can't go as a kangaroo any more. But then the more I thought about it the more I still wanted to. To quote the film 'If you build it, they will come', perhaps I need to manifest this. I need to give into this impulse and hope that it brings me luck. What do you all think? Am I crazy not to change? Will it be too painful or will I be able to embrace it as a way to will my real little Joeys into existence? I went ahead and ordered a stuffed toy Joey and it arrived today and is gorgeous. Am I over thinking a silly dressing up costume? Yes, probably but there you go. Sometimes my mouth makes decisions for me without asking my brain first, but maybe that just means I jump in to things I wouldn't otherwise. At least I get to play at being a mummy for the day if nothing else. 

OK the crazy is over for today. Love to you all my bloggy peeps x x x

Monday, 21 January 2013

peeps out and waves *UPDATE*

I am still here, I promise. I am sorry for being a somewhat absent blogger at the moment.

via Etsy
I am hibernating. That is my excuse.

Mostly I have not blogged because there is just nothing to say, I had hoped that by going private things would move a little faster, no luck to far. Nearly two weeks later and I am still waiting for my clinic appointment time to come in the post. I am going to call them today if we still have not heard.

Sirius and I (and Remus when he is not working) have been loving the snow though, we have been taking long long walks just enjoying the beautiful white world we are suddenly surrounded with. Other than walks though, I have no energy for anything. I have been ticking over, not really doing much at all. I am not sure this is entirely good for me, but it is a hard rut to clamber out of.

'The Sad' seems to have caught me a bit. Not the wailing sobbing gut-wrenching kind, but the soft quiet plodding through the day kind. I find this harder because it lingers longer and seems to dig in deeper.

I am sitting here at the moment awaiting my delightful period, which should be joining me by Thursday. Hoo-flipping-ra. What I really want to do right now is fuck off on a holiday. But we are spending the ski holiday money on attempted baby making.

My goodness, I just read this back, I am sorry my lovelies, not exactly a bundle of laughs today am I? I need to get my boots on and go for another snowey tramp in the woods.

P.S. I am seriously considering a move over to wordpress so I can do private posts and let you in a little to the real me. I want to be able to blog without censoring myself so much. Anyway I am looking into it.... watch this space......


I am so fed up with this SHIT. So, I couldn't wait for the post so I called to see why my letter has not come. It seems that they had interpreted my consultants letter as saying we were waiting for the NHS funding to come through and they were waiting for US TO CONTACT THEM. This was in no way what I was told to do by my doctor at the last appointment. So now I have missed out on the chance of an appointment this month and they don't have a space until February 19th which due to my cycle will put us back a whole other month to a March start. I am utterly gutted and upset and I just don't know what to do. I can't trust anything or anyone. I feel like the entire burden for this is on me and if I don't hassle all the time I am forgotten about and abandoned. The weight of this is drowning me. It is so exhausting. It shouldn't be like this. Even after this initial 19th app I will still have to have bloods taken, wait for them to come back, learn about injections, get hold of the meds etc etc etc and as my cycle is around the 25th of the month there is no way we can start end of Feb. That means two months minimum before we are close to actually getting started. I can't take this any more. Two more months, three more months, six more months, that is all I have heard for the last year and a half. We have been fighting for a baby now for over eighteen months and I am shattered, exhausted and feeling so alone. I am all on my own right now and so sad. I wish Remus was home right now.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Serious and Sirius

Visiting the home of a three week old 'whoopise' baby to be told by her parents that the money we are spending on IUI would be best spent, and I quote:

"on a holiday somewhere nice, have lots of sex and relax".

That is my favourite, that is. Remus very wisely said that if something is not useful I should just let it go. I find it so hard though, that kind of ignorant and ill thought out statement really hurts me. It feels laced with this subtle accusation that we are somehow causing our own infertility. I sucked it up however and got on with the visit.

Cuddling the baby, however, was really truly lovely.

Strangely I don't get remotely broody over other peoples babies like I used to before TCC. I enjoy having a smooch and a squee but I am acutely aware that it is not my baby, the one I so desperately want. I find babies much easier to handle and be around than bumps somehow. The baby is a little person, but not my little person, and I just enjoy saying hi, but the bump represents all of this potential, all of this magic that I want to experience so badly.

Seeing Remus cuddling said baby, now that makes me broody as hell.

Good grief aren't feelings complicated old things.

Sirius the Dog Star
via Etsy

To answer the lovely Lady Blogalots question on my last post, the names on this blog were not originally or intentionally Harry Potter references. It is just a wonderful coincidence. I am, I admit, a massive HP fan, but my own pseudonym was in reference to the blog name, Moon on a Stick, Moon = Luna. Then, when coming up with a name for my husband I was thinking of moon related things, thought of wolves, werewolves and Remus Lupin popped into my head (he is my absolute favourite character). It did not even register that Luna was also a character in HP until later. Then when naming the dog I was thinking night sky related thoughts, moon, star, dog-star, Sirius. That time I did think, ho-ho, more HP but really I think it just goes to show great minds think alike. Me and JK, we are like peas and carrots.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

Winter Walk
(the observant amongst you may notice the first glimpse on this blog of Sirius, my adored mutt)