I didn't realise trying for a baby was like asking for the moon on a stick. Infertility and all that jazz.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Wordpress move

Just in case anyone missed my last post I wanted to tell you the reason things are quiet round here is because I have moved to wordpress.....


Friday, 1 February 2013

Jumping Ship

via Etsy
The lovely Jenny at Sprout has inspired me. I am jumping ship on blogger and heading over to wordpress. I want to be able to share photos of my life with you but I am only comfortable doing that on private posts. I do so very much hope you will all hop on over and join me. It will mean, I hope, that I can open up a little more than I feel comfortable doing currently. I do apologise for you all having to chase me round and round. I plan on staying in my next spot for good!!! 

My new blog address is: http://themoononastickplease.wordpress.com/ I am afraid it is not quite as pretty as this one, but we can work on that! 

I will put a reminder here the first few times I post on the new blog just in case someone misses this. 

On to the next adventure........

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

call and response

via Etsy

The Dog Star and I were on our daily walk yesterday, around a local wood which borders fields, getting absolutely soaked in the rain when I heard one of my favourite sounds.

That tiny wobbly high pitched bleat followed by a rumbling baritone mumble.

Sirius and I peered over the hedge and there they were. Mummies and babies calling to each other. "Mummy, are you there" "Yes, I am here". Proud ewes and their day or so old lambs. It always surprises me how early they come. I don't expect them until spring.

Sirius wanted to get in there and sniff them and play with them and chase them more than anything in the known world so I steered her away and we carried on with our walk.

I could still hear them in the distance though. Calling and responding.

Love contained in two utterly unique sounds. Sounds that mean nothing at all to one creature and mean all the world to another. Such beautiful and special sounds.

I want to hear my own babies special sound, the one that is just for me. I want to hear my baby call me and I want so badly to respond.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

another update and an odd decision

First of all, you are all gorgeous and beautiful and your words of support and advice mean the world to me. Thank you so much.

Last night I had one of the worst nights sleep I have had in a long while. My heart ached and my soul felt shattered and I just could not settle. Remus is getting up so early at the moment and getting home so late he needs every ounce of sleep and I can't bear to keep him up so I took myself off to the spare bedroom, made a cocoon of the duvet and buried myself in a Harry Potter book. I cried for a while, read for a while and then tossed and turned in half sleep for a while. I woke up, thought it was morning and felt so wretched that I needed to be with Remus. I crawled back into bed with him and sobbed onto his shoulder for a while. It turned out it was only three in the morning and I could not stop crying so after a long cuddle I went back to the spare room and repeated my previous attempts to calm down and sleep. Phew, what a mess. It doesn't help that today I woke up to CD1. The sad got me big time.
via Etsy
Anyhoo, all that said I actually have great news and I am feeling much much better. I was advised from several quarters (thank you ladies) to periodically call and see if there were cancellations we could nab. I called at about three today and I spoke to a very lovely and helpful lady who had a really good look through the system for another appointment. There were none at all and she said that they rarely get cancellations for this type of appointment... HOWEVER... I then told her the reason I was concerned was that my period was due two days after the appointment that we do have. She immediately said, 'but that is perfect'! If I wasn't on the phone I would have kissed her. She assures me that the fact I am only a couple of days from CD1 will not mean that we cant use the cycle, she is certain that the bloods and other tests that need to be done will be sorted in time to use this cycle for treatment. I am so so happy. It looks like we will get a shot at this in late February/early March.

I am realistic, I know this treatment may not, in fact statistically it probably wont, work. I am and will be well prepared for that eventuality and I intend to chant my usual hope for the best prepare for the worst mantra. But..... but..... I will be doing something. Remus and I will have a chance to make a baby again, a chance that it might work, that we might get pregnant. I just want to know we are in with a shot, because so far the last few months have not felt like that at all. I have totally given up on the idea of a baby made in our marital bed and that is ok, I have mourned that and let it go. I don't care how many people are in the room staring up my foof as I am eventually impregnated, I just don't care any more, bring on the legs akimbo utterly unsexy baby making. Lets just at least try to make a baby. 
via Etsy
In other news, I made an odd decision. 

I have a gazillion cousins, most of whom are girls and all of whom I see at least once every year. We are quite close as cousins go and even though we are spreading out around the country we put lots of effort into staying in touch and catching up. This year we have not one but two weddings and the hen-do's that go along with them. Two new dresses and four occasions to have a laugh with my home girls, hooray!

The first hen-do (that is a like bachelorette party btw) is in a couple of months and it is for my cousin who is a vet in training. She loves all things animal and we are spending the day at a wildlife park and have all been asked to choose a different animal to come as. Without even thinking about it I baggsied Kangaroo for my animal. I have always loved them, although I would not have said they were my favourite animal.  It just popped out. "I want to come as a Kangaroo" I heard my mouth say. Then I thought, that will be an easy costume, ears, tail, apron with a pocket and a stuffed toy, sorted. Plus I am a bouncy kinda girl, I will enjoy that.

Then a day later the penny suddenly dropped. I had picked am animal that would mean I was carrying around a baby in a pouch all day. I had chosen an animal that could not have screamed wants to be a mother or desperate to be pregnant harder if I had tried. My initial reaction was ack, I can't go as a kangaroo any more. But then the more I thought about it the more I still wanted to. To quote the film 'If you build it, they will come', perhaps I need to manifest this. I need to give into this impulse and hope that it brings me luck. What do you all think? Am I crazy not to change? Will it be too painful or will I be able to embrace it as a way to will my real little Joeys into existence? I went ahead and ordered a stuffed toy Joey and it arrived today and is gorgeous. Am I over thinking a silly dressing up costume? Yes, probably but there you go. Sometimes my mouth makes decisions for me without asking my brain first, but maybe that just means I jump in to things I wouldn't otherwise. At least I get to play at being a mummy for the day if nothing else. 

OK the crazy is over for today. Love to you all my bloggy peeps x x x

Monday, 21 January 2013

peeps out and waves *UPDATE*

I am still here, I promise. I am sorry for being a somewhat absent blogger at the moment.

via Etsy
I am hibernating. That is my excuse.

Mostly I have not blogged because there is just nothing to say, I had hoped that by going private things would move a little faster, no luck to far. Nearly two weeks later and I am still waiting for my clinic appointment time to come in the post. I am going to call them today if we still have not heard.

Sirius and I (and Remus when he is not working) have been loving the snow though, we have been taking long long walks just enjoying the beautiful white world we are suddenly surrounded with. Other than walks though, I have no energy for anything. I have been ticking over, not really doing much at all. I am not sure this is entirely good for me, but it is a hard rut to clamber out of.

'The Sad' seems to have caught me a bit. Not the wailing sobbing gut-wrenching kind, but the soft quiet plodding through the day kind. I find this harder because it lingers longer and seems to dig in deeper.

I am sitting here at the moment awaiting my delightful period, which should be joining me by Thursday. Hoo-flipping-ra. What I really want to do right now is fuck off on a holiday. But we are spending the ski holiday money on attempted baby making.

My goodness, I just read this back, I am sorry my lovelies, not exactly a bundle of laughs today am I? I need to get my boots on and go for another snowey tramp in the woods.

P.S. I am seriously considering a move over to wordpress so I can do private posts and let you in a little to the real me. I want to be able to blog without censoring myself so much. Anyway I am looking into it.... watch this space......


I am so fed up with this SHIT. So, I couldn't wait for the post so I called to see why my letter has not come. It seems that they had interpreted my consultants letter as saying we were waiting for the NHS funding to come through and they were waiting for US TO CONTACT THEM. This was in no way what I was told to do by my doctor at the last appointment. So now I have missed out on the chance of an appointment this month and they don't have a space until February 19th which due to my cycle will put us back a whole other month to a March start. I am utterly gutted and upset and I just don't know what to do. I can't trust anything or anyone. I feel like the entire burden for this is on me and if I don't hassle all the time I am forgotten about and abandoned. The weight of this is drowning me. It is so exhausting. It shouldn't be like this. Even after this initial 19th app I will still have to have bloods taken, wait for them to come back, learn about injections, get hold of the meds etc etc etc and as my cycle is around the 25th of the month there is no way we can start end of Feb. That means two months minimum before we are close to actually getting started. I can't take this any more. Two more months, three more months, six more months, that is all I have heard for the last year and a half. We have been fighting for a baby now for over eighteen months and I am shattered, exhausted and feeling so alone. I am all on my own right now and so sad. I wish Remus was home right now.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Serious and Sirius

Visiting the home of a three week old 'whoopise' baby to be told by her parents that the money we are spending on IUI would be best spent, and I quote:

"on a holiday somewhere nice, have lots of sex and relax".

That is my favourite, that is. Remus very wisely said that if something is not useful I should just let it go. I find it so hard though, that kind of ignorant and ill thought out statement really hurts me. It feels laced with this subtle accusation that we are somehow causing our own infertility. I sucked it up however and got on with the visit.

Cuddling the baby, however, was really truly lovely.

Strangely I don't get remotely broody over other peoples babies like I used to before TCC. I enjoy having a smooch and a squee but I am acutely aware that it is not my baby, the one I so desperately want. I find babies much easier to handle and be around than bumps somehow. The baby is a little person, but not my little person, and I just enjoy saying hi, but the bump represents all of this potential, all of this magic that I want to experience so badly.

Seeing Remus cuddling said baby, now that makes me broody as hell.

Good grief aren't feelings complicated old things.

Sirius the Dog Star
via Etsy

To answer the lovely Lady Blogalots question on my last post, the names on this blog were not originally or intentionally Harry Potter references. It is just a wonderful coincidence. I am, I admit, a massive HP fan, but my own pseudonym was in reference to the blog name, Moon on a Stick, Moon = Luna. Then, when coming up with a name for my husband I was thinking of moon related things, thought of wolves, werewolves and Remus Lupin popped into my head (he is my absolute favourite character). It did not even register that Luna was also a character in HP until later. Then when naming the dog I was thinking night sky related thoughts, moon, star, dog-star, Sirius. That time I did think, ho-ho, more HP but really I think it just goes to show great minds think alike. Me and JK, we are like peas and carrots.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

Winter Walk
(the observant amongst you may notice the first glimpse on this blog of Sirius, my adored mutt)

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Awww you guys...

via Etsy

You are just the best. I felt like I had you all on my shoulder whispering advice and support all the way through my appointment. I just love the wealth of experience and care I can draw on here and I love that you are all out there wishing me well. I am feeling all warm and fuzzy.

So anyway Luna, stop waffling and tell these fine ladies how it all went.

Firstly, as I suspected it was mostly an appointment about okaying my treatment plan and in the end it was pretty broad. We didn't get into the nitty gritty but I have stored up all of your great questions for when I go to the clinic to be signed up with them and when I meet the treatment team.

It looks like if we pay for two IUI's and both fail we will be able to use our NHS funding for one round of IVF. I don't have that in writing but it is likely. I hope I never need to find out.

We will be doing an IUI and it will be using Menopur with an Ovidrel trigger. They will monitor with ultrasounds and it will be at the clinic near us that I really like. That is all I know currently. Our consultant now writes to the clinic with his instructions for our treatment and they will call me to make an appointment to sort out all the legal and technical stuff like learning to inject myself (aaaaaggghhh). I am hoping Remus will be able to do that though. Because of the time these things will take we may miss the February cycle but that is ok, March will be here before we know it and we certainly should be up and running by then. The consultant suggested we do two rounds of IUI and if they fail move right on with IVF which is scary, but proactive which I like. Because of the funding issues it makes the most sense.

The trust I have in this clinic and this man is great, I feel like I am in totally safe hands. With all of your wonderful advice I felt like I went in forearmed for anything and I am glad I have such a comprehensive list of questions for the clinic when I go there in a week or two. Yipeeeee, we may actually be moving in a forward type direction.

I can't wait for Remus to get home so I can give him a massive hug. This was the first time he could not make an appointment with me and even though it was a nice one I really missed him being there and being part of what was going on.

So, what do I need to know about Menopur and Ovidrel?

I love being part of the sisterhood, thank you for having me. You all rock so flipping much. Hugs my friends.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Advice on IUI questions?

via Etsy
This is a call out to all of you experienced IUI ladies out there.

I am due to have my private appointment with my consultant tomorrow and I was wondering if there were any questions I should be asking or any information I should be looking out for. I am equal parts excited and nervous to take this next step.

My uber-fertile sister told me yesterday that they will be trying for number two in February, so I will be on the look out for an announcement in May of a late Autumn baby. She sweetly said 'maybe we can be pregnant together'. I appreciate the sentiment but what I heard was 'I will be pregnant, join in if you can.' She, of course, will be pregnant, and I suspect there is a high chance she will be the only one. Hey ho. I appreciate the warning though, I now have time to get used to the idea of being lapped and can gird my loins for her pregnancy.

Anyhoo, back to my original point, any thoughts? I will appreciate any experience you have to offer.

Saturday, 5 January 2013

We are Mermaids

via Etsy

Sometimes there are blog posts that cut so deeply to the truth, the pain and the acute tragedy of infertility that I wish I could collect them up and put them in a book. I would then give the book to anyone who was in the life of an infertile person in the hope these beautifully sad words could help then go a little way to understanding the journey their friend, child or loved one is going through.

These are two such posts.



Tutti's picture, and her exploration of what it signifies, is one of the most poignant things that I have encountered whilst blogging and the analogy of infertility to the story of the little mermaid that jjiraffe makes is painfully perfect. I am a mermaid, we are mermaids. It makes so much sense.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

more of that sort please

via Etsy

So often I struggle on facebook (and in the real world too sometimes) with friends and how they choose to share their parenting experience. I know this is a common struggle for people in the ALI community.

Here is the thing.....

I understand that pregnancy and parenting is hard work (I have spent most of my working life caring for children so I am well aware of the struggles and exhaustions) and I understand that people need to vent, they need support and they need to know what they are going through is normal.

I also understand the desire to show their pride and share the joys of parenthood. I get that granny who lives two hours away likes to coo over pictures and that it is hard to imagine why someone would not want to see baby Jane in her first bobble hat. I understand that for them little Johnny's first steps were as important as Neil Armstrong's on the moon.

However, I dislike the constant moaning on facebook. Even if I was not infertile I am not sure I would be interested in how many times in the night someone got up to feed their baby, or how shitty it's morning nappy was. Call me old fashioned, I just don't need to know. I don't need this information any more than I want to hear how much vomit my student cousin managed to produce after a crazy night on the beer or how many times my infirm aunt had to have her dressings changed after her fall. There are other times in our lives when we find something hard or something is a new experience but they are not nearly so commonly shared on facebook. Also, there are a multitude of forums out there designed specifically for mum moaning and I really wish people would stick to them.

On my other point, I have noticed that at the other end of the spectrum you have the many many photos, which I can mostly live with (and depending on the child, quite enjoy) but you also get the re-posted, banal and unoriginal platitudes, which I intensely dislike. "Like if your son has the sun shinning constantly from his bottom and every day his ares-hole lights up your life" "Like if being the mother of a daughter makes life like skipping in a field of roses and cherries" barf barf barf.

Despite appearances so far, this post is actually a positive one. I want to tell you about a friend of mine who constantly, and in my humble opinion, gets it right.

The couple in question I actually know through the husband. He is an old and dear friend of mine and did one of the readings at our wedding. He married one of the sweetest women I have ever met and I was deeply, deeply happy for them both. They both pulled a cracker.

Anyway, his lovely lady has a couple of health issues, one of which being endemetriosis and the other a condition which causes anaphalactic shock due to increased adrenalin. She was told she could be infertile and so had geared herself up to struggle, I remember her telling me her worries just after they were married. As it was they were pregnant almost immediately to everyone's relief and joy. She had a to be very careful during pregnancy and was not allowed to labour naturally but all went well and they now have a beautiful two year old child.

But to get to my point, she and her husband are so beautiful in the way that they share their parenting journey. There is no bombardment of pictures, but every now and then they share a particularly lovely one. Most often of the family all together or their child doing something particularly sweet. These are mostly candid shots. They have not once posted a moan or a parenting difficulty and when ever they talk about their child the enjoyment they have from parenting is evident.

The thing that strikes me the most is that this mother shares how grateful she is for this amazing journey, how glad she is to be parenting and how she is thankful for the little things along the way. I am not suggesting that others are not thankful and glad, or that she never struggles. But this is what she shares with her friends.

I wanted to share with you two of the things she said before Christmas:

The privilege and joy of decorating the tree with my child who understands what's happening at Christmas this year, for the first time.

Just putting a stocking full of gifts into the cot of my beautiful baby;I have never and will never take for granted how very lucky I am.

Do these two statements make me sad? Yes, they do, that make me deeply sad. Do I wish I had not read them? No, on the contrary, I am glad I have read them, I am so happy for her, and because she acknowledged how lucky she is to have the gift of a child somehow the sadness is of a different quality. It makes a difference too that these are her words and not borrowed platitudes. I want what she has so hard it hurts. It cuts. But I am so glad she is out there in the world loving her child and loving every new little miracle of life.
I suspect her health issues have made her more mindful and aware of just how precious the experience of parenting is and it makes me see that having been through infertility I may be gifted with the ability to see joys and wonders that others simply don't or are less able to focus on.
What is amusing is that this girl was not very maternal at all before her pregnancy and worried that she would not enjoy parenting. I have never seen such a change. Such a beautiful alteration in how someone sees the world. That little child is very lucky, and so am I as I can count these wonderful parents as my friends.