Last night I had one of the worst nights sleep I have had in a long while. My heart ached and my soul felt shattered and I just could not settle. Remus is getting up so early at the moment and getting home so late he needs every ounce of sleep and I can't bear to keep him up so I took myself off to the spare bedroom, made a cocoon of the duvet and buried myself in a Harry Potter book. I cried for a while, read for a while and then tossed and turned in half sleep for a while. I woke up, thought it was morning and felt so wretched that I needed to be with Remus. I crawled back into bed with him and sobbed onto his shoulder for a while. It turned out it was only three in the morning and I could not stop crying so after a long cuddle I went back to the spare room and repeated my previous attempts to calm down and sleep. Phew, what a mess. It doesn't help that today I woke up to CD1. The sad got me big time.
Anyhoo, all that said I actually have great news and I am feeling much much better. I was advised from several quarters (thank you ladies) to periodically call and see if there were cancellations we could nab. I called at about three today and I spoke to a very lovely and helpful lady who had a really good look through the system for another appointment. There were none at all and she said that they rarely get cancellations for this type of appointment... HOWEVER... I then told her the reason I was concerned was that my period was due two days after the appointment that we do have. She immediately said, 'but that is perfect'! If I wasn't on the phone I would have kissed her. She assures me that the fact I am only a couple of days from CD1 will not mean that we cant use the cycle, she is certain that the bloods and other tests that need to be done will be sorted in time to use this cycle for treatment. I am so so happy. It looks like we will get a shot at this in late February/early March.
I am realistic, I know this treatment may not, in fact statistically it probably wont, work. I am and will be well prepared for that eventuality and I intend to chant my usual hope for the best prepare for the worst mantra. But..... but..... I will be doing something. Remus and I will have a chance to make a baby again, a chance that it might work, that we might get pregnant. I just want to know we are in with a shot, because so far the last few months have not felt like that at all. I have totally given up on the idea of a baby made in our marital bed and that is ok, I have mourned that and let it go. I don't care how many people are in the room staring up my foof as I am eventually impregnated, I just don't care any more, bring on the legs akimbo utterly unsexy baby making. Lets just at least try to make a baby.
In other news, I made an odd decision.
I have a gazillion cousins, most of whom are girls and all of whom I see at least once every year. We are quite close as cousins go and even though we are spreading out around the country we put lots of effort into staying in touch and catching up. This year we have not one but two weddings and the hen-do's that go along with them. Two new dresses and four occasions to have a laugh with my home girls, hooray!
The first hen-do (that is a like bachelorette party btw) is in a couple of months and it is for my cousin who is a vet in training. She loves all things animal and we are spending the day at a wildlife park and have all been asked to choose a different animal to come as. Without even thinking about it I baggsied Kangaroo for my animal. I have always loved them, although I would not have said they were my favourite animal. It just popped out. "I want to come as a Kangaroo" I heard my mouth say. Then I thought, that will be an easy costume, ears, tail, apron with a pocket and a stuffed toy, sorted. Plus I am a bouncy kinda girl, I will enjoy that.
Then a day later the penny suddenly dropped. I had picked am animal that would mean I was carrying around a baby in a pouch all day. I had chosen an animal that could not have screamed wants to be a mother or desperate to be pregnant harder if I had tried. My initial reaction was ack, I can't go as a kangaroo any more. But then the more I thought about it the more I still wanted to. To quote the film 'If you build it, they will come', perhaps I need to manifest this. I need to give into this impulse and hope that it brings me luck. What do you all think? Am I crazy not to change? Will it be too painful or will I be able to embrace it as a way to will my real little Joeys into existence? I went ahead and ordered a stuffed toy Joey and it arrived today and is gorgeous. Am I over thinking a silly dressing up costume? Yes, probably but there you go. Sometimes my mouth makes decisions for me without asking my brain first, but maybe that just means I jump in to things I wouldn't otherwise. At least I get to play at being a mummy for the day if nothing else.
OK the crazy is over for today. Love to you all my bloggy peeps x x x