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Smiling used to be my favorite. We watched this wonderful film the other night ( I managed to convince Remus to watch it with me by telling him Zooey was in it - naked in the shower no less). Man alive I love Christmas Movies, no matter how grinchy I feel I am a sucker for a Crimbo flick. And once upon a time I used to be just like Buddy, and smiling really was my favorite.
My nickname when I was a waitress (oh so many years ago) was Tigger, because I was always so bouncy and cheerful. Now, don't get me wrong, I have not always been happy all the time. Oh no, I have had my sad times. But no matter my mood I have always worn my emotions on my sleeve and been proud of that fact whether happy or sad. If I felt sad I was sad and if I felt happy I was happy and I never made much attempt, with family and friends at least, to hide what was going on for me. I have found this honestly with my emotions has served me well. It has helped me access the support I needed from loves ones and it has helped me feel like I am true to my own inner self.
However....
I am finding that way of existing very hard these days. My usual honesty about my emotional state is disappearing. More and more I am finding myself strapping on the smile, strapping on the 'I'm OK face'. Because I am sad most of the time. Not all of the time, no, but most. I am acutely aware that for everyone else, the 'Luna is sad that she can't get pregnant' stuff is getting rather old. I feel like I have to ration the sympathy I elicit from my caring wonderful family. Not because I am worried it will get used up, but because if it is exhausting me then it must be exhausting them too. And it is EXHAUSTING me. I am so weary of this sadness. This angry, frustrated unfair sadness.
I have happy moments, like my very rewarding working day last Friday which was wonderful. I felt like myself, like my happy old self. But they seem to be getting further and further apart. Most of the time there is this underlying layer of constant sadness. The last thing I want to do is lay all that on Remus all the time, although it is harder to hide from him than from anyone else. I have had a couple of mega sobbing sessions with him recently, poor boy.
Yesterday I spent the day looking after a friends two year old boy because she was sick. I did this alongside three other folks in my family. In some ways it was a lovely day, he was cute as a pie and we all did lovely things together. But I know that I plastered on the smile and faked a good time. We were at an event with many children and babies, and there I was being mistaken for a mum at every turn. It was hard. But I smiled through it and jollied along. Today I am wiped out. So tired. Far more exhausted than I should be from half a day out.
Oh, and then I went to my mums for supper and she god dam did it again!!!!!! Seriously mother. Engage brain before speaking. I was fading fast by about nine thirty, bearing in mind I was recovering from a bad back and a sick bed last week, and I complained of feeling very tired....
Mum - perhaps you are pregnant.
Me - I am not pregnant. (through the gritted teeth in my head I say 'I only ovulated about two days ago and in the illness induced funk of our house last week we will be lucky if we timed one baby making session right')
Oh Sweet Bicycling Hey-Zuse she said it again. Seriously, it is like an illness. My mother then preceded to tell me all about her colleague who is pregnant and hating it. Hating how it is changing her body as she is a super fit gym bunny and hating that she is going to have to take time off work and who complains about being pregnant constantly. Um, what? Why on Earth do you think I would want to here about her? Tell her to invest in a condom next time. Stupid cow (the co-worker, not my mum). I love my mum but holy moly mother of a hat stand she has a mouth on her. I have given up getting angry or upset about these things, I just go quiet or change the subject.
It feels like my mother just cannot accept that Remus and I will probably need medical intervention. I feel like she thinks if we try each month we are sure to catch. She still sees pregnancy as something that just happens. She cannot get her head round the fact that for us it most likely wont. Seventeen months mum.... three on clomid......timed perfectly every time..... No, I am not pregnant. I am just not. I am tired because infertility is the most horrendous thing I have ever faced in my life and being sad every single day, no matter how much of a happy mask I put on, is exhausting.
I promise I am not usually this morose and depressing. I do realise this blog has been nothing but down in the dumps. I will try to up my game and get some funnies up on here soon. Thanks for sticking with me my dears.
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I hear you on that one. Being sad all the time takes a lot out of you. It's hard to be happy when the one thing you want seems so out of reach. Hang in there, after 2 years I am finally learning how to balance my life and the sadness is getting better. It just takes time and living through it.
ReplyDeleteLuna love, I'm so sorry for all of this. Mums...they just don't get it, do they? My own is hopeful that every cycle is The One and tracks my symptoms post-ovulation more than I do, which is also very exhausting. They mean well, and I really think they are just so hopeful because they so very much want their little girls to be happy, but I know it's hard to deal with. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry, too, that you're feeling so sad. Understandable, but I feel for you. I hope you can still let yourself show that sadness to those who are close to you, even if it exhausts them, because you need that support. You deserve it, and that's what dear family and friends are for. And I hope, too, that through all the darkness, you are able to catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. I do believe it's there for you, but I know it's often hard to see. ~ many hugs ~
Oh dear...I'm so sorry that your mom just isn't able to get it. And I'm sorry that you're feeling so much sadness, but it's completely understandable. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
It's exhausting enough to feel sad all the time, made even more exhausting by the effort to cover it all with a smile. Please don't feel like you have to plaster on a fake smile here, in your space. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, I understand every single one of your words. BTW, my nickname was also Tigger, I had t shirts, and mugs, and plastic figurines, and balloons.
ReplyDeleteI am also a positive person overall, though when I'm sad, I'm super sad, I am just extreme, when I feel something *I feel it all the way*. Like a synapses, all or nothing reactions.
In a way that is why I started blogging, to let my feelings out and to force myself to notice the little things, because it really is what has gotten me through the darkest moments (not that we are done with this stupid infertility yet).
But if you read my posts around between April and June, specially June, with my 32nd b/day, I really, really was struggling to be thankful and count blessings and be happy.
I was like your mome, I kept stubbornly hoping and praying that It would please just happen "naturally" if only we waited long enough. Accepting that we will need treatment was very hard for me... I never even took the pill ever, because I was so afraid of hormones. Probably she just means well. Though it just really gets me when women complain about their pregnancies (there is all kinds of infrmation available, and I have always known that pregnancy is a lot of things but not exactly comfortable or pleasant). What I really can't take is when they call the foetus / embryo a parasite, a tumor or an alien. Makes me want to punch things.
Anyhow, let yourself be sad, but you know, it may change, I had a turning moment sometime in the last month where I realized that this does not depend on me, or on vitamins, or seeds, or timing... I am not doing anything wrong and it is not punishment from the universe. Somehow accepting that, while at the same time doing everything in our hands (that is, the so dreaded treatment) has been a relief. And ironically, all the control and timing being on the doctors and actually seeing the follicles develop in front of our eyes has helped a lot. And the hormones have not been bad on me either, pretty much I have not felt anything. Sometimes you just have to jump.
Hugs to you , know that we will be here. And I hope you will find your happy self again, but this is a major life crisis, it is more than understandable to be sad, and feelings have to be let out.
I don't smile near as much as I used to either. I really wish getting pregnant was as easy as so many people seem to believe. Don't pretend to be happy when you're not though. It's worse to bottle sadness up, I did it for years and it made things worse. Let it out on here, you know we will listen and support you.
ReplyDeleteOh honey!!!! Sending hugs! I can't imagine what it would be like to have my mom on me like that. I just have to deal with coworkers who say, oh you have heart burn, you must be pregnant....UGH!!! Do they not understand IVF is the only way I can get pregnant and since we haven't done that in 2months, it's probably the marinara sauce that's giving me heartburn....fertiles just don't get it...I'm so sorry!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is exhausting to go through all this wait and unknown, then the sadness arrive and you can slowly get dragged down. It takes time to find a balance and ways to handle it. I'm sorry you are struggling with all this and then some. And your mum, not again! Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAm so sorry honey. Nothing about this is fair or kind, or deserved by anyone, you and your beautiful kind heart will one day be a mother and that child, wherever they are, will be incredibly lucky. I am sorry your mum just doesn't get it. why are there so many of those? Xxxx
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much to the first part of your post. I hate that this infertility beast has snuffed out the bounce and quick smiles. I too am just so... tired.
ReplyDeleteYou I love, and you are not exhausting. Exhausted, yes, but not exhausting. I do know what you mean though - it's utterly exhausting being like "yup, I'm still sad" and it's easy to get bored with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE Elf. I desperately want to start answering my phone "Jenny here, what's your favorite color?" There are two kinds of people in this world - Will Ferrell people, and those... others.
Oh, dear Luna ... I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly, and so exhausted by feeling so badly. It's not fair, and the pressure your mum adds is beyond not fair. Perhaps it is the moment for a heart-to-heart, or rather a firm lecture, that she is no longer to ask or make commentary? I'm sure she's saying these things out of love for you, but that doesn't make them any easier to hear.
ReplyDeleteAs for strapping on a smile, don't do it if you don't feel like it, especially here. I think everybody understands what down in the dumps feels like, and nobody expects you to be anything but honest that you're in pain. I just hope that the real smile returns, and soon.
Fertility is so exhausting. Exhausting to think about. Exhausting to talk about. Exhausting to live through. Sex becomes a chore. Everything is timed just so. It definitely takes its toll. You are not alone in having to paste on the happy face and it is totally okay that you can't always muster one up.
ReplyDeleteToday I got angry in the line to checkout at the grocery store. Stupid Kate and William on the front cover of every gossip magazine. They are a sweet couple and I'm so very excited that they have wonderful news, but the caption on the front of US Weekly reads, "Baby at last!" At last??? At last?? Seriously? They've been married a year or so? The pressure to procreate and the feeling of inadequacy for those who can't just get pregnant at a blink of an eye feels so pervasive in our modern society. People, even our mothers, just assume we'll have it as easy. Be kind to yourself.
Sending so many hugs and lots of love <3 I would often do the same thing - put on that smile when I didn't truly feel like it. I'm glad you are letting your emotions out though. And UGH at your mom's coworker!! My mom still says things like, relax - it'll happen when you least expect it. Oh gawwdd.
ReplyDeleteThis shit ruins everything! Ugh I hate it. I hate that you have to feel so crappy. But I get it because it is exhausting. It takes everything we have away from us. Talk to your mom about the things she says. Hopefully she will start to understand.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stork, you are lovely and not exhausting. Don't ever feel like you have to put the smile on for us.
My mom used to do the same thing... I had to tell her to stop!
ReplyDelete"Santa!!!!!! I know him!!!!"