I didn't realise trying for a baby was like asking for the moon on a stick. Infertility and all that jazz.

Monday 3 December 2012

No Mum. Just no.

via Etsy

 I love my mother, don't get me wrong. She and I have had a tempestuous past, particularly during my teenage years, but we have got over all that now and have a great relationship.

The problem is, when it comes to infertility, she just does not get it. I think she tries, and she is obviously sad for us and understands that what we are facing is hard, but she does not 'get it'.

Mum was 27 when she had me and I was conceived no trouble at all, she then sadly had one miscarriage before conceiving my sister at 30. All three pregnancies were planned and happened within a month or two of trying. I think if we got to the point of a pregnancy that failed she might have a better reference point, but this not being able to get pregnant at all seems to be something she finds really hard to compute.

Bless her heart, she tries really really really dam hard to get it and to say the right thing but she has officially exhausted ALL the classics. Every single bloody one. Phrases that are I am able to laugh off or ignore when coming from a friend seem much harder to take when they are coming from my mother. I am afraid she has made me cry on more than one occasion and Remus (the husband) has had to jump in and explain why that is hard to hear.

To be honest, over the last few months she has got much better. I have not had a platitude launched at me for ages. There was even a moment when some granny friends of hers were talking babies and she felt the pain of second generation infertility and I though we had had a real breakthrough. They were totally dismissive of my infertility and my mums sadness at not being a granny yet. I thought at last she had understood. And then, yesterday, she launched a doozie.

Oh dear mother. Your foot and your mouth seem to have such an affinity.

via Etsy
Basically, I caught the lurgy. And possibly the plague too. There has been a particularly virulent norovirus making the rounds of the UK catching people unawares. I have been avoiding most of these things this year as I have not been out and about with large groups of people much, I have been holed up at home writing.

Anyhoo, I went out to an event on Saturday. An event that contained those carriers of disease, those diminutive pox monkeys: little children. By lunch time I was feeling strange and I was at least an hour and a half from home. I got in the car, drove like hell, and used up my last reserves of energy to get myself back home.

As I came in the door I burst into tears, collapsed on the sofa and was immovable for the rest of the evening. Remus was running round after me like the lovely fella that he is and by night time it was (too much information is possibly about to follow) coming out both ends. And that is all you need to know about that.

So on Sunday morning I rang my mummy for some sympathy. Which I did get, she was very sweet and kind and mumsy, wishing she had time to come over and look after me. Until she said it. Yup, she actually said it. Can you believe it? I imagine any infertile lady reading this is going to know exactly the phrase to which I am referring....

My mum said to me, as I was lying on my back feeling ill as feck, having just spewed and shat my guts out....

"You never know love, maybe it's morning sickness!"

"No mum, just no. NO. It is not morning sickness. It would be unlikely to be morning sickness in two and a half weeks time when I am on cycle day 28 or so, seeing as the chances of us conceiving naturally are incredibly low after 17 months of well times sex has failed. I am, however, only on cycle day 12 at the moment, and seeing as I never ovulate until cycle day 15, and I, without a shadow of doubt, had a perfectly respectable period twelve days ago, I am about as unlikely to have morning sickness as you are. In fact, you are possibly more likely too, despite your menopause, seeing as we know you have had it before."

Of course I did not actually say that, although a few months ago I would have. I just sighed, and said...

"No, it's not."

And changed the subject.

I love her, and her heart is in the right place. I genuinely think it is just a case that her mouth says things before her brain can catch up. But seriously mum, no. Just no.


*oh, and I have been fiddling with the design - I rather like so far*


27 comments:

  1. Oh Mum! sometimes family says the most hurtful things without knowing just how much they sting.
    Glad you are feeling better, there are some nasty bugs going around for sure.

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  2. Oh no! That's really unfortunate I am sorry! Sometimes when meaning well they say the most cutting things.

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  3. Oh Mums...I can relate! I do hope you are feeling better!!

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    1. I just wish her brain could catch up with her mouth.

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  4. I love the look of your blog. Very fairy tale! It's hard when the people that know us best just don't get it. I think your reaction was very fitting, the one you shared with her and the one you didn't.

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    1. Glad you like it, I was tinkering for ages. I used to blow up at my mum and get cross, but it doesn't help so I just let it go now.

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  5. It's amazing how, like you said, if a stranger said the exact same thing as your mum- it wouldn't sting 1/2 as bad. It's times like this where I wish we all had a mute button. Not because we don't love our families- but because they just don't get it. We do though. We get it. And I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well. Push the fluids and sleep lots. We need to keep you nice and healthy and strong.

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    1. Thank you my dear. My poor old mum, she really does try...

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  6. I hope you feel better soon, that particular bug is absolute hell. Mothers tend to say things that they don't know is hurtful to us but at least we know they don't mean to hurt us. Big sigh.

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    1. I actually think I got of lightly with the bug, it really was a 24 hour thing.

      I am lucky that I have a step-mum who has been there, so I can go to her for that kind of understanding. My mums sympathy I just have to save for other issues.

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  7. They have their hearts in the right place, but they don't get it...hope you're feeling better....

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    1. I know when the time comes she is going to be the absolute bomb as a Grandma. I can't wait to give her that. I think mothers of interfiles have a kind of secondary experience of infertility that is horrid too.

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  8. I LOVE this background, PS.

    Ohhhh, Luna-mum. She means well, totally see that but yeah.. People still say that sort of thing to me when I get sick or smell something weird and I don't even ovulate. Drives me insane. Nothing more dignity killing than on top of everything else feeling the need to prove that you're not pregnant.

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    1. Glad you like. I have gone all twinkly and magical.

      I just want to say, trust me mum, you will be the first to know, and I am unlikely to get morning sickness until after I have taken a test.

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  9. It's always the ones we love....

    Any time my mom made comments like that, it was usually over the phone, so I could at least roll my eyes without her seeing!

    And I LOVE what you've done with your blog!

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    1. Yes, it was on the phone and that is exactly what I did!

      I am feeling the love for this space, and it makes me smile.

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  10. Oh your-mum! It's nice that she's starting to 'get it' but they always back-slide huh... My mum's been okay but my step-mom gives me the worst platitudes. It drives me nuts.

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    1. It is totally the other way round for me. My step mum is amazing.

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  11. It's good that that's not how you actually replied, because then she might have come back with, "But couldn't that perfectly respectable period have been implantation bleeding?"

    Hope you're recovering well - both from the comment and from the plague.

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    1. Oh heavens yes, thank goodness I have learnt to hold my tongue.

      I am feeling much much better thank you, although now I am feeling well again and moving around more my bad back is getting worse. Bleargh!

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  12. Oh boy. It's the people that we love that can inflict so much pain when they say the wrong thing. Maybe you can sit her down at one point to talk to her about her comments and/or forward a website that explains what to say/what not to say?

    I hope you are feeling better!!

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  13. Ahhh, the good ole mum commentary. I dealt with that 2 months ago. I was on 100mg Clomid, and very scared that I wasn't going to ovulate. After telling her how stressful it was to have to make sure to time everything right in order to catch the egg, she told me that maybe I should just take a breath and have sex "whenever I'm in the mood". Right. Because I'm pumping myself full of drugs to have sex when I'm in the mood. I wasn't so nice to her as you were to your mom. I sort of unleashed. I blame the Clomid.

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  14. Oh dear... thankfully my mom is a women's doctor and a lot of her patients have gone through IF treatment, so she pretty much always says the right thing. But I definitely have heard this kind of "advice" from friends, too. And my dad and sister basically ignore that I'm going through anything at all, and never ask me about it, which is also pretty weird. I feel like IFsters should start wearing a manifesto taped to their shirts every day that explains exactly what NOT to say to us.

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  15. Oh Luna, I'm so sorry. This post speaks to me because it really remind me of my relationship with my mother. We also had a strained relationship...it's better now, but I want my mom of all people to truly understand and be able to say the things that every child (grown or not) needs to hear. To be comforted. It stings a lot more when she completely misses the mark. I'm not sure what more to do about it :-( Anyway, I just want you to know I understand. Hugs & love to you xoxo

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    1. P.S. Your blog is so pretty :-) I love the colors and everything. :-D

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